I Have Social Anxiety

I have Social Anxiety, but I can still function.

I have Social Anxiety, but it does not mean I am agoraphobic.

I have Social Anxiety, and yes it is a mental illness.

Social Anxiety has it’s debilitating moments. One minute I am up for a party, and the next minute all I can think about are all the people that will be at said party. What will they be thinking? Will I have to talk? Oh crap, I will have to talk. What will I say? What will they say? My insecurities increase tenfold and my emotional state becomes fragile.

Fighting anxiety does not mean that I am constantly afraid of society. I have my moments, and certain situations cause greater anxiety then others. Parties and the grocery store are two of the main situations that cause me stress. Usually if I know I will not know people it stresses me. My anxiety “attacks” (so to speak) come in different forms, sometimes nauseous, increased sweat, trembling, racing heart, inability to focus, and racing thoughts.

As I have been working through my issues with my therapist, one of the things she has encouraged me to do is study the people around me and how they interact. Have you ever actually focused on how people interact? Stories. Conversations revolve around stories and it is constantly bouncing off of different stories. In most conversations there is one main person guiding the conversation, a main story teller hogging the spotlight. Others play the part of active listeners, asking questions and making comments throughout the story. Occasionally, the active listeners throw in stories of their owns when silence allows, but for most conversations there are both active and passive participants.

These are just some of the things I have noted from my observations. And my dear readers, you will continue to read my observations as I work through them and any other enlightenments that come my way during this journey of finding myself and working through my social anxiety.

Functioning with White Noise

Well, it has been awhile but the other day I finally felt a small itch of creativity return. I must be in an uprise with my emotional state because I am outside enjoying sunshine and actually wanting to write and paint and just be creative as opposed to laying on the couch with windows shut, unable to get my brain to even follow whatever white noise is on in the background. I actually painted four paintings between yesterday and the day before (go me!).

You know those musings that I told myself I would try to write about? Well, I haven’t really had any lately. Hence, the major gap in my writing. There is something about emotions that sometimes when you have too many emotions its almost as if you have none. There is no way to express them as they fluctuate at such a fast pace. Once minute I am happy and the next I just want to chew everyone within hearing distance out for the stupidest things. Nothing will stick in my brain and I feel like I am walking around with something over my head, preventing me from functioning. It is like my body is on autopilot, words don’t make sense, thoughts just stop being produced, creativity is not even a word known in my limited vocabulary, and worst of all, sleep is never enough.

Functioning in this state of darkness is like trying to walk through a pool of molasses. Its difficult, it is slow and it is frustrating. The most frustrating part is when people are getting frustrated with you for your inability to function or speak or think. It’s not like I know how to control it. Yet people tell me how. It’s not like they understand. But they pretend to and some try to tell me to knock it off. Get out of this funk. If you take control you will be fine. But there is no taking control. I try, every time I feel the funk come on. But the bit of control that there is to grasp is as small is the thread hanging from your shirt. No grip is given and sometimes it gives and other times it doesn’t.

 

 

Ebbs and Flows

You know, I looked up what that means because I hear it spoken so often: it is referring to water, ebb being when the water is going away from the shore and flow is when the water is rising again towards the shore. It is interesting how it is the rise and fall of the tide and how often we use that phrase for life. The ebb and flow of water is often not predictable, similar with life, we can’t predict the good days or the bad days. All we can do is wake up every morning and try to make the best of every day that we are blessed with.

I have been struggling with that. I try to be positive, at least on the outside. But on the inside I realize that I really, truly struggle with positivity. Or maybe it is contentment. And it isn’t just being content with my life and where I am at, but it is also being content with the circumstances and the options afforded me. So often I have looked at other peoples lives and wished that my life could be as simple as theirs looks, or my choice could be as easy as so-and-so’s and their choice is easier because they have an SO that can weigh in and really show whether the choice is sound or not while I don’t. I thought I was content. And then I thought about that. God calls us to be content and find joy in all of our circumstances. Something I have been struggling with more and more the older I get. You think life gets easier? Ummm heck no! In some ways it is simplified, but in most ways it gets more difficult. Those choices that your parents used to make for you, and you hated? Well now you want your parents to be able to make choices for you. Because now you have to actually think about what you want. And you have to really think about it. At least I do, because I tend to think about what other people want for me in the big decisions and forget that these decisions are what affect ME, not them. But in other decisions where maybe I should be thinking about what other people want, instead of myself. I think of myself. Ugh! See, life is not simple, nor was it ever supposed to be.

Okay, I did some major rambling, but you know what? Sometimes you have to do that with your writing. And I know my brain rambles on for hours, so this is only a snippet of what is going through it right now. Therefore, today was not a guided journal entry, but another step closer to the inner workings of my life. Chow!

Music speaks what we cannot

Ever have feelings/thoughts that you just CANNOT put into words? And when that happens you’re listening to music and somehow, whatever you’re listening to just knows how to describe your life at that very second, but if you were to tell someone that you feel like you would sound like a crazy person and chances are that you have already met the quota for crazy comments for the day so you keep it to yourself? Or maybe people don’t know what is going on so you don’t mention that you relate to a certain song or even artist on a truly spiritual level so you keep listening to whatever music it is and you cry a little because it actually opens up your emotional tear ducts in a way that nothing else can. Not even physical pain, and you drink that glass of wine and type. Welcome to my life. I am not good with words. For being a creative writing major, I really suck at it. But music can some how ALWAYS describe my feelings. Pain, happiness, joy, sadness, hurt, love, etc. It’s like pandora can sense our mood and plays the right music! But for reals. Music has a tendency of speaking when we cannot and sometimes don’t want to. So don’t feel lame on those days that you don’t want to talk but just let the music play because it is speaking the words that you cannot speak. At least not yet.

That’s Quotable

So the question today is what is you favorite quote right now. Well that is a tough one because I have a lot of favorite quotes. Like A LOT. I think one of my top favorite quotes is Albert Einstein’s “Everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” Umm wow. I think think that goes along with my other favorite quote, “Never allow yourself to be defined by someone else’s opinion of you”. Both of those are my favorite because they’re both things that I struggle with.

As you probably know from previous posts, I care about what people think of me WAY TOO MUCH. Being that I feel love through words of affirmation, that is also how I can be torn down the quickest. I am also a people pleaser so what people think of me and what they say about me affects me on a spiritual level. Like I take everything perhaps a little too personally!

I also allow people’s thoughts, opinions and expectations tend to have the final say over things when, honestly, I need to be able to do me. Now if they have good thoughts and advise that is one thing. But I take it to the extreme. Like with haircuts, hair color, clothing choices, book choices, etc. Like I want everyone to approve of everything. I also have an inset desire to go for shock value, so having a people pleasing personality with the desire to shock people is always an interesting combination!

Alright, I am keeping this post short. I’ve been sick so my brain isn’t really working and I am exhausted! Sayonara baby!

Dear Non-EXistent

Dear Non-EXistent,

I want to start this note to you with memories, but honestly, the memories hurt. Because you are the ex that didn’t want me. There are two different pains in breakups. There is the pain of letting someone go that you love, but know that relationship cannot continue for various reasons. Then there is the pain of letting go of someone who didn’t want you. Who told you– or maybe never told you, they just fizzled out– that you were not worth fighting for or worth the energy invested in you.

Well dear sir, I might still be fighting the battle that your rejection brought me. It might be a secret battle, that enjoys sneak attacks. I can be okay one minute, and then those memories drip into the sub cranium that I thought I had on tight lockdown. Sometimes it is a song, like that one song that we listened to all the time when we hung out, and you would give me that smile that would make my heart skip a beat. That should have been my sign. My mother told me never to trust a skipping heart. And no matter how much I fight these sneak attacks, tears are usually not too far behind them.

But you know what? I know that you were toxic. I know that I was just a temporary solution to you. Because I am nice and would have given you the moon if you had asked. I was a listening ear when you needed. A friend that you could call up or text when you were bored, but heaven forbid that you put any effort when I wanted the same. When I needed to talk, it was never taken seriously. I learned to shut down my feelings with you, and that my dear sir is toxic. You should never have been the one I went to when my day went bad. And I should never have stopped everything to be there for you. But you know, that is who I am, and that is how I get burned every time.

You see, Non-EXistent. I thought you cared, but you didn’t. You used. And you used and continued to use until you found someone that you actually wanted to put effort into and then you dumped. But you didn’t say, hey sorry it’s not going to work out. Why would you do that? Because that would mean being a man and not a boy. No, you cut me off without any explanation. And that hurts more, because there is no closure. There is no mourning period. It was and then it wasn’t.

Truth is, I knew you would be toxic from the beginning. But I didn’t listen to my brain. Because my heart was fascinated by the work that it had to do in order to get you to notice me, but you never did. And now there are scars that are there only because of me.

Yes, I still think of you every now and then, but they aren’t fond thoughts. They are memories that try to take my confidence and remind me that boys out there didn’t think I was worth it. But guess what. I am worth it. And while I still have not found a man that finds me worth it, I know he is out there. Somewhere. But that is the difference between you all and him, he will be a man and you are just boys.

So goodbye Non-EXistent. Because you no longer have control over my thoughts, my self confidence or my emotions. You might be characters in my story, but you have no significance to the story besides the fact that I have learned what not to fall for. Au Revior forever my not so dear Non-EXistent. Away you float, on winds, drops of rain and clouds.

Bipolar Seasons

Hi again! I told you I would try and dedicate more time to you. Right now I am in a very introspective mood which tends to make me want to write so lucky you, you’re getting another Blournal entry from me!

So the blournal topic today is talk about this season of your life which I am excited to address. Right now I am in an interesting season of life. I feel like I am in this purgatory of my life. I am done with college, and have entered the young professional world. I am learning the process of adulating which I realize many things and lessons in my life have led up to this. I am a 24 year old single gal with no prospects in sight, I own my house, two puppies and work a full time plus job. Work has taken over my life. Where I had a lot of variety during my school days with school, and working multiple part time jobs, I now have one main focus. Work. And sadly, it rules my life. I go to bed thinking about it, don’t sleep well because I have dreams of it, and I wake up thinking about it. Anxious for what the day holds, most often, ready to tackle whatever it is and prove that single gals can make it just as well.

The interesting part of it is that where I am, it seems that most people around my age are either already married, engaged or dating. There are very few people that I seem to run into that are in a similar stage of life as me which makes connecting with people around me difficult. I already have difficulty opening myself to people, but when there seems to be nothing in common it makes it even more difficult. It’s kind of an awkward phase of life because everyone thinks you SHOULD be actively looking for someone if you don’t have someone. Older people think that because I am a single young woman, I either have droves of men at my door knocking each other over to take me on a date (sorry, that is not the case! If it were I probably wouldn’t be single right now, just saying!) or I just haven’t put myself out there enough (which is probably true). Married/dating peeps think it is their job to set me up with that single guy friend that they just KNOW would be perfect for me! No offense to y’all, but I think I have been set up three or four times and those have exploded in everyone’s face so please, if you are trying to set your single friend/sister/brother up with someone. Don’t. Unless they come to you asking you, chances are they just feel like poop when you suggest they date so-and-so.

So my life is this purgatory of no boyfriend and no one in sight. Work rules my life. I don’t have much of a social life because of it. And very few people who seem to be in this same purgatory. I know others are going through it, I am not saying this is a me only problem, and that I don’t have other friends who are going through it. I do have other friends who know my feelings on this, but people forget to tell you about this possibility when you finish college.

Do I hate this season of life? Ehh I wouldn’t go that far. I would say that I am learning a lot through this season.

First off, friends are indispensable. Whether you have friends in town or out of town they are some of the only people that make you keep your sanity. It helps to have friends in town, but no matter where your friends are, they keep you sane!

Second, family is BAE. Okay, so I hate that word oh so much, I believe it is either the swedish word for poop or an acronym for Before All Else. Either way I think it can fit 😉 JK but really, family is another thing that you can’t live without during this phase. They are the only ones who TRULY TRULY TRULY know who you are and will hopefully never hate you for your struggles or your complaints. They’re your foundation to life and the ones that you know will tell you that you’re being completely melodramatic with something, or they’ll take your side. Either way, I don’t think I could’ve survived and cannot continue to survive without mine.

Third, work is not BAE. It might be poop somedays, or even most days (depending on your job), but it does not come before all else. Yeah, you need a paycheck and you definitely need to work hard and prove that you are capable of the responsibility given you. But when you leave the work place, leave the work place. Work does not belong in the home, on the couch. It should stay on your desk. Bringing work home with you makes it hard to learn when to be present with the people you love and will turn you into a work-a-holic. Believe me, I am one. And I struggle everyday with this. So don’t be me.

Fourthly, if you’re single, be freaking single! Don’t let people around you tell you that you need a significant other to be significant. That is not a necessity for a girl or a guy. Enjoy your single days, months, years because one day, there is a possibility you won’t be able to go out with your girlfriends/guyfriends on a whim. Not saying that is a bad thing, just saying being single has it’s own set of pros and cons, just like having a SO does. Just take advantage of those pros while you can and don’t dwell on the cons because in hindsight, those cons will probably seem stupid (at least thats what I keep telling myself).

Be spontaneous and just enjoy life. We are not given repeats or pauses in life. It is a never ending cycle of days. The idea of being sentenced to a 9-5 for the rest of my life with a possibility of probation around retirement is a depressing thought. But don’t let yourself get bogged down with those thoughts. Put in your time and take advantage of those hours between. Because once the stop button is hit there is no restarting our lives. That is the end of a story and it is your choice whether it is a beautiful movie or a depressing drama. Enjoy the comedy, suspense, romance, of it all and let the drama fall by the wayside.

Okay, so that is what I am learning/feeling with this season/chapter of life (cliche, I am sorry!). Whatever the season of your life is, I hope you take full advantage of it, because seasons might repeat, but chapters don’t. Adios muchachos! XOXO

 

 

What holds you back?

Well my dear reader, I apologize for the prolonged absence and promise to dedicate more time to you and letting people into my life.

A few days ago one of my co-workers made a comment that made me realize a lot about myself. We were talking about New York and my obsession with it and he asked me how much of my obsession with this big city has to do with the anonymity that I would be given in going there? Honestly? I said, I love the idea of stepping out my front door and not knowing the people walking the sidewalk in front of my place. Them not knowing me, my life, my past, my family. No stigmas attached with who I am. Now, I didn’t say all that, I simply said the anonymity was exciting to me. He then goes on to say, “You don’t really like people knowing you, do you?” ahh…ouch…when a hammer hits your head it’s not exactly a kind feeling. No, I guess I am not a fan of people knowing me, and that is not a good thing. God did not call us to be alone, and we are not called to hide our struggles. God called us to fellowship and be real with the people around us. To have accountability with other believers because on our own we are nothing without the body of Christ.

So here is a little tidbit about me. My whole life I have heard people tell me I am awkward, some have told me I am stupid, dumb, ditzy, not capable, clumsy, boring, bad with directions etc. I have also been told I am smart, sweet, cute, etc. But something you need to know? I am going to remember the negative things that you tell me a lot longer then I will remember the positives. And every time I get told another negative, another wall goes up. Now some of those negative things that I have gotten told are very true and are something that I will joke about, like my lack of grace or my lack of direction. However, there is a fine line with me where it goes from joking to something that I will take to heart. Its actually a thick line, because I have learned over the years how to laugh at myself, but the line is still there and I think it is there with anyone. When people are constantly making jokes at your expense, even if they are “only joking” you start looking at yourself a little differently and wonder if others see you that way too.

So what is holding me back from people getting to know me? My fear that all people will see me as the walking disaster that I jokingly call myself. Because I am constantly fumbling through life and trying to live up to the expectations of other people. Trying to be the girl I think people want to get to know, instead of being the girl that God created me to be and others to get to know. I don’t like people to get to know me, because I don’t want them to see who I really am and think I am weird, I want to be normal to people. But normal? That is simply a setting on the dryer and a standard set by famous people who in reality are just as awkward as I am. What is holding me back? My flaws are what is holding me back. My desire to portray this image of normalcy that doesn’t even exist is what holds me back. But because I know how people think, I hear how people think, I automatically think they think those thoughts about me and it scares me. I don’t want someone to leave after a conversation with me and tell their friend next to them, Gah, what an awkward person! or she was weird, or she was dumb. So what do I do instead? I hide from humanity. I avoid conversations outside of my comfortable realm of knowledge. I avoid conversations with pretty people, people who went to school, people who were in sororities/fraternities. Because those are the “normal” people. So I talk to my dogs, and other dogs and other animals and my best friends who have remained my best friends for as long as they have because they finally learned my weirdness and like me for it.

And in writing this I realized that I am not normal and I will never be normal because first off, you cannot acquire something that just does not exist. And second off as a body part of the body of Christ, I am not called to be normal. I am called to be weird. I mean, hey, we are technically body parts of one big body. That is not exactly normal thinking. But who cares about normal? Because normal people aren’t the ones who change the world. Creativity, imagination, outspoken, and weird. That is what changes the world. “Normal” is not recognized or noticed. “Normal” blends into the sea of other basic bitches and that is not what we are created to do. We are created to be the hipsters of the world and soak the dry towels out there. Because seriously, who wants to be dry and boring and “normal”?

Okay, so apologies for the rambling, and the rabbit trails of thought. My brain did not necessarily take this exercise in a linear fashion, but then again, lines are boring and normal, so why would it? Ciao my dears and I will have another post soon!

Journal Day 4: Letter to my 15 Year Old Self

Dear 15 year old punk:

Get out there. Make friends. Stop hiding behind the books that don’t judge you. They will not be there to comfort you when you’re hurting the most.

Be confident in who you are. Don’t let the stereotypes that you have come to equate yourself with control you. You are not a description, you are a person. Words like awkward, idiot, moron, stupid, these words are not you and you will never be those words.

You. Are. Worth. It. It doesn’t matter what people say to you, or how they treat you. Never let anyone use you. Many people will. Many people will unconsciously take advantage of your innocence, your sweet nature and your intense need to make people like you. People will like you for who you are, don’t let people use you for what you can give them. You are not an action, or a verb, you are a noun, a person.

There are going to be many nights that you cry yourself to sleep. Nights that you hate what you have done. Nights that feel like they will never end because you are excited about whatever the morning will bring. Remember those nights, cherish them, no matter how painful. It is those nights that create the days that can either be your brightest day or your darkest day and these are the days that make you who you are.

Work is going to suck some days. People are going to be mean. You are going to be challenged. There are going to be things that you wish you had never done. People you wish you had never met. Guys will burn your soul. Friends will leave you. This is life. Life is not beautiful. It is a mess of overgrown weeds, but even in the weeds flowers can grow wild and that is what you need to remember. There is beauty in disaster, and grace in mistakes. Enjoy the mess, and don’t forget to hug those close to you always, and never miss an opportunity to say I love you.

Journal Day 3: three goals for this month

Oh hey! I love the fact that day 3 is me writing about three goals for this month. I am a little strange that way. Anyways, okay so this is perfect since my motto for this year is new year, new me! I know that seems cliche and chances are by the end of this week I will have given up and be back on my couch with a bottle of wine, crying or laughing hysterically to my puppies.

Goal 1: I am going to be happy with myself. I am tired of being self conscious and feeling insignificant. So it starts with physically being happy with who I am. I go to get a haircut on Friday and it’s going SHORT. Not quite pixie, but its going to be a short bob and I am so excited! So what if guys like long hair. I am not doing this for guys out there. I am doing this for ME. I am also working out at least every other day. My dogs need to go for a run, and so do I! I can’t sit on the couch anymore and I won’t let myself. And finally, I want to be confident in who I am, not physically, but all around. I allow all my insecurities about what I have been stereotyped to be come out when I hang out with people. Not anymore. People can have preconceived notions of me if they want, but what they think shouldn’t matter to me. I am not here on this earth to gain the approval of people, I am here on this earth to serve a God who died on the cross, was buried, and rose from the grave on the third day.

Goal 2: Well, this could be my second goal. To try and be consistent with my writing. While this isn’t exactly the type of writing I want to do, this is one of the roads to get to that.

Goal 3: I am going to put myself out there more. That kind of goes hand in hand with goal 1 as I am trying to gain confidence and in order to do that I need to be willing to put myself out there and let people see the best me that there is. There is also a certain vulnerability that comes with this and that terrifies me. I hate being rejected, unfortunately I take it personally and it adds to my insecurities (that was difficult to say out loud…). I realize there is an immaturity about that and it needs to be addressed.

And there are my three goals for the month of January! Oh! and be okay with getting older. My 24th birthday is coming up soon and getting older gets scarier the closer it gets. It is just another day, but at the same time, every birthday should be precious because that means I survived another year. So here is to almost making it another year! Hopefully I can survive the next two weeks until then too…